my head is foggy this morning and my eyes red from crying. i lol on the bed feeling the sunshine on my bare arms. the words of Kate Inglis on sweet salty have me reeling. i'm grounded with a masive thump. i feel like I finally have some uderstanding for my sister. for what happened to her and her family years back. for what is probably still on her mind every day. i was younger then, no girls, in a different relationship, living on a farm, crushing on other boys, working, carefree. i had no understanding then or any inclination to understand. but now I feel it, in every ounce of my body, my heart aches with the thought of it. this is perspective kinda stuff. live life to the fullest kind of grounding because life is so fleeting. loved ones can be here one minute and gone the next. late nights get me like this. open me up, leave me raw. trying to pump milk and finish birthday gifts. the quilt won't be done, the bias hasn't arrived. i feel i felt angry about that and the car taking so long and the fatigue of waking throughout the night, and homeschooling and feeling stuck. it's all shifted, vanished in an instant with the words and the tears. she came and told me she was hungry, again, as children do, something that would normally grate but now I asked what she wanted and she said popcorn and I said yes even though it's only nine in the morning and I'd normally say no on good eating principles. and today the day we finally get our car. seems silly, indulgent, selfish, inconsequential because I have them, here with me now. here to hold, stroke and be with. that makes me incredibly lucky blessed. today I feel that in such fullness it hurts. i'm sorry for not understanding sooner, for all the callousness that i can be. go and hug a loved one because that is what matters the most. connect.
